As I move into my 39th year, my Lunar return and the last one in my 30s, another milestone is rapidly approaching me and I hadn't really sat with what this feeling was until this morning. My son, the one who made me a mum, is heading at lightening speed towards the grand old age of 16 and I've been so involved in what that means for him, GCSE's, College, semi-adulthood, employment, etc, that I've bypassed what it also means for me. How often to we do that as mothers? Skip over ourselves, bypass our own feelings and disallow ourselves space to move through these enormous transitions and rights of passage. We're so conditioned to be distracted by life that we miss LIFE. We miss the important bits. We miss the bits that hurt, that heal, that move, that grow, and that soften our beating hearts and our beautiful souls.
This morning I sat with what was coming up. I've had the pleasure of being involved with some incredible ladies on a project about motherhood, so the subject has been close to mind (as if the Universe has some divine plan for these things) and I find myself moving through a period of enormous change. From one state of motherhood to another, a certain type of birth-death-rebirth cycle that I wasn't warned about.
The tears flowed this morning, and I let them. Big, sobby, grief stricken tears. Grieving a phase of my life that has come and gone, a passage of parenthood that passed me by and like with all grief, I feel wasn't enough time. I allowed it the energy to move through me in whichever way it chose to. I gave it permission to be, rather than squash it down and tell myself to stop being silly. I gave myself space to feel it all and I honoured my person, my soul, and my human by letting her have her moment so that she felt heard and seen. I held space for myself.
I also wrote this...and I'm sharing it for all the mums I know moving and moved through the same transition, past and present, in case you want to give yourself permission to feel it all too.
Slow down Lucas,
You’re moving too fast.
I want to go back in time
Make it all last
I want to remember
The smell of your hair
When you would hug me
And I’d lean down to there
I miss being ‘mummy’
And I love being ‘mum’
But I wish I could go back
To when you were young
To when you were too small
To reach the top shelf
To when you needed me
More than you needed yourself
Slow down Lucas,
You’re growing too quick
I haven’t caught up yet
It’s just been a tick
A clock stroke,
A heart beat
A breath and times up
A blink and I’ve missed it
You’ve nearly grown up.
I’m sad that you’re growing
But I’m more proud than you know
To have been holding your hand
And been watching you grow
I’m glad that you chose me
To be your Mum
Even gladder that I get to call you my son