I did something today that I haven't done in a really long time.
I made something about me that wasn't about me and I honestly thought that part of me was long gone.
It's residual energy from my days of not feeling good enough and my wounded inner child, hell bent on being an annoyance to everyone and constantly seeking validation. It makes sense it would come up now of course, with an upcoming workshop I’m running on working with your inner child, but I can’t say it didn’t take me by surprise to step back and see myself repeating patterns I’ve long since released and worked on.
I’ve been letting my inner child run the ship for a while, let her have fun and adventure, let myself be free and young and joyful again. It’s been incredible, and it brings so much balance into my life and a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone, and along with stepping out of my comfort zone comes stepping into some old insecurities.
The feelings were the same, the fear, the anxiety, the questioning.
The situation was silly, petty, flippant, created entirely in my head and given arms and legs.
The voices came back, “it must be about me”, “I must have done something”.
The story was the same; needing the validation of being liked, needing to be ‘ok’ to others so I can be ‘ok’ for myself.
I leaned into the fear and the story, ignored the intuitive voice telling me step back, to wait, to trust, and learned that the World doesn’t revolve around me.
Boom.
There’s that lesson again, there’s that pattern.
Hello old friend, it’s been a while, why are you back?
I haven’t missed that familiar gut churning anxiety. I haven’t longed for the need to externally validate my existence with the verbal confirmation that I’m ‘ok’ and that people like me. It’s heavy and draining to constantly need that. I don’t miss it. I don’t want it. I have worked through it.
What I notice with this sudden reoccurrence of an unwelcome habit is that I recognised instantly (albeit instantly a second too late) that it was happening, and while I should have seen it a moment sooner and stopped myself in my tracks, perhaps I needed the reminder, perhaps I needed to see how far I’ve come by stepping back into an old version of myself for a few minutes and realising she’s long gone.
Perhaps I needed to acknowledge that part of me as being in the past and now I can release it under this powerful Super Full Moon.
Perhaps these little reminders of our lessons never cease, we just practice, practice, practice, over and over in a hundred different ways how to really see the authentic truth of our time here in this existence.
Perhaps we always need reminding, we always need the practice of coming back to our most aligned self.